Easier Said Than Done

I have a bad habit. Okay, I probably actually have a few. But if I had to pick the worst one, it would be my ability to hold a grudge. I’m 95% sure it’s hereditary. If there’s anyone worse than me at holding grudges, it’s my mom and my sister. But that’s never the part that bugs me. I don’t mind grudges being held against me. It bothers me that I can’t ever seem to let them go.

Why is that? Why can I not let anything slide? I forgive. Or at least I think I do. I just say a prayer for the dumb individual and acknowledge that their bad breeding and tasteless ways are not their fault. But I don’t let it go. I’ve got a wicked cold shoulder, and I wield it quite well. I will quite literally hold a grudge for years. And I have no remorse about it, nor do I ever have a desire to fix it. Unless you can logically reason with me and convince me that I was in the wrong. Then you might see some remorse. A very limited amount, but remorse nonetheless.

I think what happens is that I can take things very personally.  My first reaction is to get angry. Whether the person lets me down, doesn’t do their job correctly or just says something stupid. My initial response is anger. On what planet is okay for you to let that come out of your mouth? Who taught you that it’s okay to ask massive favors at the absolute last minute? Why does no one have any common decency anymore? And that’s where I start really getting into trouble- when I start making sweeping generalizations about humanity. My emotions just snowball, and then I end up blaming it all on that one ignorant soul who made me mad in the first place.

Now that I’ve concluded my rant, here’s where I was going with this. I want to get better at it. I want to forgive faster and let go sooner. I want the burden off of me, because that’s what I do when I give my cold shoulder. I’m the only one putting any energy into the relationship, and that energy is potently negative. In an effort to achieve this quicker rate of forgiveness, I want to employ the mantra of “Kill them with kindness.” Now I’m talking small steps here. I’m not a philanthropist. I just want to stop putting any negative energy in. I don’t really even have to be nice. I just have to quit letting it bug me. Wish me luck!